I'm fifteen weeks five days pregnant with my fourth baby and I don’t feel connected to him yet. On my worst days it’shard to even be excited about his presence. We were “done” having babies or so we thought. I had gotten rid of all the baby gear except what we were currently using for my 18 month old. The only thing I hadn’t gotten rid of yet was my maternity clothes and that’s because I was saving them for my sister in law who will be trying to get pregnant at the end of the summer. I was mentally prepared to be done being pregnant, to be done breastfeeding, to sleep through the whole night again! It took me a long time to be “done” and now I have to mentally switch gears all over again.
It’s not to say that I won’t love this baby or that I wish I wasn’t pregnant, but man, I still haven’t wrapped my head around the fact that I’m growing another human being inside of me. It happens to everyone- “Surprise Babies”. Not just teenagers, but married people too. I count myself blessed to be married to a wonderful man who provides for our family and that we are financially stable; it doesn’t mean that it won’t strain our finances or that my husband won’t worry about how to pay for another child, because he is already thinking about it, but God will provide and we will be ok.
This baby was a total surprise. I’m not even sure when he was conceived. For married people, we’re still pretty hot for one another so it could have been one of many dates. We’re also blessed in that if my husband looks at me too long, I get pregnant. I know this is not the case for many people. God saw fit to bless us with another baby and I’m doing my best to get excited about it.
I think the main reason I’m not connected to this baby yet is because I’m dealing with some major issues with my first baby, my oldest daughter. She’s nineteen and trying to figure out life. In the meantime, she’s shutting me and the family out and man does it hurt. Like keep me up at night hurt. I lay in bed praying for her, for me, for the family because there is nothing else I can do. I hope that when I get some closure with her my heart will be more open to this baby.
The other pesky reasons are so vain- I had finally gotten to within 10 pounds of my pre-eighteen month old baby weight, I had started a job at a new agency and we were trying to get it off the ground, I love sleep and the toddler is just now sleeping through the night consistently. Actually typing those out makes me feel crappy, like I’m making a baby?!? So much more important than looking smoking hot in a bathing suit right? Hotness is so over rated. ;) I’ve tried to keep up my workout routine to keep some of my hotness, but that first trimester kicked my tail. I could have went to the gym, but nothing else would have gotten done and to me, a clean house and fed kids are more important than me going to the gym. So, for now, the gym waits.
I know I will eventually feel connected to this baby, at some point. Maybe once I feel him move more consistently, maybe once I really look pregnant instead of just chubby? I have 25 more weeks to get connected to him. (We’re pretty sure it’s a boy. I had an ultrasound 2 weeks ago because I’m so old, 37, and although the stinker wouldn’t show his face we got a great potty shot!) My mom says this baby will be my greatest blessing. I’m holding on to that and my faith that God gave us this baby for a purpose. I know he will fit in just fine and once he’s here I won’t be able to imagine life without him.
Psalm 127:3 Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is His reward.
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